100 Days of Flames

The flames started plenty far away. My camera made them appear far closer than they were.  It captured perfectly how close they felt.

January 7th - 10:30 p.m. — About to get in my car to evacuate.

In this moment standing next to my car filled to the brim with Stella and stuff, the flames lept into my heart.  They’re still in there.

They reveal themselves when the fire gets poked.

Today a dear friend called and accidentally poked the fire.  He’s a professional photographer in LA for a couple days and he innocently asked my advice on how I might suggest he photograph Altadena.

A phrase bubbled up to the surface and into my text response when I told him that most of us who lost our houses are not so into people coming to look at our “open wounds.”  I felt protective of our little berg, and all the hearts it holds. 

January 8th - 6:30 a.m. — 8 hours after evacuating, praying the lack of an active fire at my exact address (see yellow smudge) was hopeful. It had already burned.

From that first night I feel like my arms stretched around our town, trying to protect her from the flames.  “Please stop burning.  Please stop burning. Please stop burning.” 

My arms couldn’t shield her.  But it wasn’t just my arms.  I don’t know anyone who lived in Altadena who didn’t like living there.  Everyone I knew had a fierce love for it.  So, it was all of our arms wrapped around her.

We joined together as soon as the fire began across the various apps – Watch Duty, Facebook, Ring, NextDoor, WhatsApp.  That night we became a family by a marriage forged in fire.

January 8th — 9 a.m. — Seeing Super King on the list was terrifying as it was so far south of me. This was a false report but it definitely slapped some hope out of me, as we never expected flames to go that far down.

January 8th — 11:30 a.m. — Devastation one block away. I wouldn’t receive photographic evidence that my home had burned hours earlier until 3 p.m.

And today, I remain protective as do most of my neighbors, our arms still outstretched around the remnants of our town saying “Please don’t touch.  Please don’t go on our properties.  Please don’t take our property. Please don’t even look right now.”

It’s just still a very tender time even these 100 days in.

But I can’t wait for the day that the fires calm down so that my poor friends aren’t afraid of accidentally poking the wrong corner of my heart.

I had to leave our GNO movie night this weekend because the movie they chose – “Drop” -- was one giant trigger.  We met up after it was over and through tears I explained why I had to leave. 

That movie is a perfect representation of what it looks like inside my head and heart 24/7 since the fire.  From the moment the movie starts you see the main character is in danger, not in control, constantly trying to be a ninja to get out of danger, trying to solve one after another emergency, always trying to find the source of more potential danger.

Pre-fire I was pretty ninja-adjacent in how I solved problems and lived life.  This is a whole other level of ninja training that I didn’t even know I needed. Like in the movie, life feels dangerous, precarious. There are a lot of potential traps and land mines ahead on my path.  I came up against three today. In one day. Three.

I’m on high alert.  All the time.  Yet, the only thing I’ve been attacked by since the fire is poison oak. (Funny – that burned too.)

Yet the flames rise with the most innocent of pokes or accidental infusion of oxygen.

January 8th - 8:35 p.m. — From an old Airbnb guest whom I hadn’t even actually met in person.

The sweet cooling nectar, though, also flows: LOVE.

It’s been flowing from family, friends, acquaintances and people I have never even met. Many that I have never met. An elderly woman from Alaska sent a $10 bill to my friend Carol Allen after she had sent an email to her amazing clients and followers about my Love Scarf Project needing donations and mentioned a GoFundMe set up for me.

February 14th - Love Scarf Delivery day friend Carol Allen gives me this beautiful pillow which is almost the exact same flower heart design (to the flower!) I drew for the Love Forward Talks logo in 2018!

Friends have showered me with love, donations and gifts. I will never catch up on all the proper thank you’s. Ever.

So, please accept this

thank you

thank you

thank you

for all the flame-quelling love sent from near and far.

Love is the answer.